Memory of a Goldfish

Good grief. Where to begin. It’s been 3 and a half years since I made this blog and that one lone post. So much of me has been lost. I am my own war.

A few days ago I had the strongest urge to write down all my random weird thoughts again. It can consume me utterly, this urge. This dire need to pour myself onto a page. It becomes a full blown panic. All I am is being lost as sands through an hour glass. The bottom half of the hourglass is missing and pouring out onto into an endless ocean where my thoughts become lost forever.

This feeling, the loss of myself one epiphany or internal conversation at a time. It’s just really intense. Puts me in a funk for a bit. Like creative impotence. Or perhaps creative abstinence? Anyway…

I have discovered that I have the memory of a goldfish.

I just desperately wanted to write. ANYTHING. I thought “Oh, I should start another blog. I want to use the Saving Fantasia name again.” I had a Tumblr account by this name that I had written a lot on but I deleted it. That platform simply wasn’t what I wanted this blog to be.

Go to WordPress to start blog. Realize this one has been here waiting, stagnant with one lousy post since the summer of 2013. I really did not remember I had already started a blog and I didn’t remember this post. Memory of a GOLDFISH.

After reading it I began to edit it to death because I hated it. So whiny. SO redundant. Why do I sound like this? Then I just stopped. Deep breath. Save it. Leave it alone.

My past self has already been edited into the version of me that now exists. I don’t have to erase her thoughts even if she is annoying. I can make peace with her. I’m probably still that whiny and redundant now anyway.

That’s the harm in typing out your thoughts as opposed to hand writing them in a journal. You can always click edit and then the you of that time will no longer be genuinely what she was. The present is so intolerant of the past… and yet that past is contained in the substance of the present.

SO. I will leave up that horrible post. I edited it a little but the main parts are still in tact.

I will write new posts. I will contain my thoughts on the page and not let them be lost to the void of time and human imperfection. Let this blog be a lightening rod for the electricity of my thoughts.

May they not be lost or left behind. May they be harnessed and useful to others at best. At the very least… let them be saved. Even if they are worth nothing to any other soul but this one. Let them be stored for rehashing at the bonfires of infinite time where all my past and future selves collide.

I will soon post some old posts from the Tumblr blog. I loved them too much to let them die with it. I will dust this off. It will be something good again. I promise you, future me, it will contain the flood.

Don’t forget, little goldfish. Remember.

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